The day before...

Can I do this? Will I be able to give him what he needs? Can I prepare him?

I go into this very humble. I don't know what the future holds. I do know that he is home and has been for most of his little life. When I first saw him at three weeks old and he was so weak and tiny I felt like a mama bear.
He did not deserve what had been done to him and he did not deserve the pain he endured and continues to endure. I became a fierce advocate for him, seeking medical help that would give him life and hopefully an environment that would be conducive to healing. We went through so much together. His surgeries alone were enough to convince me he was a fighter. He tolerated therapies and tolerated my efforts to help him recover. There were times he would fight me, but after a few times it was almost as if he said "oh, the harness and treadmill again?" we would get on with it. Soon he walked again and we rejoiced.

It hurts to say his battles are not over.

And the singing. All of his life, I rocked him and sang to him so music was a big part of his healing. It took his mind off of the pain I suppose. And now, he loves music of all kinds.

His laughter is wonderful, full of all the possibilities and hope. His smile is amazing. His heart is bigger than he is. When he cries and I hug him he pats my back and soothes me as I try to soothe him.

We are going to step forward tomorrow and confirm what we have already lived and will continue to live. We will take him for our son and cherish, care and love him.

Can I do this?
At my age? All I can do is keep doing what we have been doing. Hugs all around every morning, kiss mama goodbye and family dinner when we get home. The pit stops at the hospital, the disabilites will never get easier, but he will always have family around him now. There will not be the ever present thought that if something happens to me he would go to strangers...he is home. The rest will have to come together as we look for ways to help him find happiness and satisfaction in his life.