Still counting the days. Holding you...

Hold on little boy, hold on and I will hold you through this.

I know it hurts. There is no place you can sit comfortably. Standing begins to hurt quickly now, too. Leaning forward onto a chair seat or in the net swing is where you find a few minutes of relief but that doesn't last long. Soon, little one, soon we will face the hard part.

What can I do to prepare you for this? How can I help you to steel yourself and guard your innocence? When you open those sweet eyes, will you know?

When we go up to the hospital, you will be so scared. You recongnize where you are when we go there now. Every six months is too often for it to fade from your memory.

Hopefully they wont take long and you will sleep...that deep sleep.

This time it will be harder. More invasive. When you wake it will hurt so bad for a long while. I know it will be hard to breathe. I know you will hurt worse than ever. I cant even imagine the deep searing pain of having my spine altered, having my rib cage opened, of having the intense pressure from the rods. I was told it was like getting hit by a semi truck. I know you will hurt with every move. I know you wont understand.

I am thankful you don't know right now.

What do we trade for another year of your life? Another year of your laughter, discovery and delights?

I know your rib cage will ache when you breathe, your back will hurt to lay there, hurt to move and hurt when I hold you. I know it will hurt to turn your head, to cry, to lift your arm. I know...I would give everything to do this for you. I get so angry. Why do you have to go through this time and time again? How many times in your short life have you struggled to breathe? How many surgeries have you suffered? How many more times will they demand this for your life?

Your innocence makes me cry. To think that the woman who carried you carelessly and the man who gave you life walked away without looking back makes me cry. A deep wondering ache. How can it be?

But I have you now, at this moment. I have you in my arms tonight. Sleep peacefully. Rocking you just so, holding you so your back touches nothing. No pressure on your spine. The deep sleep breath so sweet. Mommy is here, mommy will hold you gently. Sleep without fear now.